Beard Withdrawls

I was clearly suffering from beard withdrawal the last couple of days. I don't even remember writing the last post on here but it was clearly when I was held in it's dark beardless grasp. Look how saccharine sweet that last post is. How dreadful. I almost got diabetes reading it.

I'm only barely regaining control of my normal self, and I think it's because my five-o-clock shadow has come back. In true Seth Brundle form, however, I tried to document some side-effects of beardlessness when I wasn't in bouts of sappy behavior and maple-syrup smiles. The results were terrifying.

Certain aspects, like reading the nutritional facts of food and letting that determine my intake, were quite unnerving to me, as I never do that when I'm healthy, normal, and have a beard. Others, like me letting a friend get away with saying something phenomenally stupid, were straight terrifying. I clearly became a completely different person without my beard.

Other things I fear I may have done under the effects of beardlessness:

gone to a flower shop
skipped
engaged in polite conversation
ignored someones poor dressing choices
smiled
eaten a salad

This is probably going to be the sissiest post I will ever write.

The title says it all. I will try to keep this brief.
After watching the phenomenal movie 'Mary and Max' I was incredibly intrigued by the main song.
It turned out to be 'Perpetuum Mobile' by the Penguin Cafe Orchestra. And now I can't stop listening to it, and something about it makes me want to be a nicer or better person. So I will keep listening to it.
You should too.
See if it works for you too.

My strength was in my beard.

I am not in good shape at all.

I'm 6'3", but I kind of look like at one point I was 6'7" and then I magically lost about four inches of my spine, so I podge out in the stomach area but I still sort of pull off a healthy look you know what who honestly gives a damn about this.

What that above should have said was:
I have been fairly thin for a while, but the X-Bawks and eating habits are beginning to show themselves. I am no longer of the Golden Age of Metabolism. Furthermore, I think my generally poor care of myself is the reason why I got sick in the MIDDLE OF SPRING TOTAL BS and now have one of those crippling coughs that make me hunch over like a half-Indian General Grievous.

So today I went on a hike, with my friends Aaron and Bex. We hiked for an approximate total of 9.2 miles, during which I think my body ran out of muscles to turn sore and began making new ones to fill that purpose.
We also saw a great deal of scenery that you normally wouldn't associate with the desert I live in, such as

This, and

Ultimately this.

It was a really good experience for me, given that last time I tried this hike I might have gotten .5 miles before the previous nights alcoholic adventures came back to haunt me and I had to turn tail immediately before I ruined my day and my pants.
Upon arriving home, I decided that I should continue to try and better myself. So to symbolize the steps I so clearly need to take towards becoming a full-fledged grown-ass man, I quit drinking (not a big deal, I don't/didn't drink that much) and shaved my beard. I've a terrible memory, so all I know is that I've had this beard for some time between a month and a year, which is a while. I looked weird even to myself. I wasn't sure if by shaving my beard I would lose any of my powers but the second I was done shaving I struggled to turn on the tap so I think that's pretty clear. I hope I haven't made a mistake.

Paying Money to Indirectly Piss Me Off

Apparently one of my classes serves to ruin free speech by letting morons utilize it. A girl in my class managed to fire off two (2) affronts to intelligent thought in a matter of mere SECONDS.

Intellectually deteriorating thought #1 : "If I didn't get to see dinosaurs when I was a kid, then my grand-kids don't get to see polar bears."

Intellectually deteriorating thought #2: "How could you put a woolly mammoth in an elephant if elephants are smaller?"

I have to let it be known that I do in fact attend a college. And I had to deal with this after being awake for less than an hour. And then it started to snow.
The fact that money is exchanged to allow this girl (her name rhymes with 'Hope Williams') to go to a school that doesn't focus on construction paper and Elmer's Glue really makes me sad. But then again, maybe she's just paying money to indirectly piss off people? That would be actually okay. But there are better ways.

WAYS TO PISS OFF PEOPLE THAT COSTS MONEY BUT COULD TOTALLY BE WORTH IT
(It's important to remember that the amount of money we're assuming is the money that was probably spent on Hope Williams' college fund. Which is to say, probably a decent amount of money.)

1) Buy an entire store-worth of pies, and slam them upside-down on every car on campus

2) Buy all the drinks in all the vending machines every day (especially when it's hot). Then sell the drinks yourself, and dress up and act like a Jawa while you're doing it.

3) Attempt to turn every incline into a waterslide.

4) Make macaroni pictures while humming loudly, then post them on the bulletin boards. Or on second thought, just go all Jackson Pollock on the bulletin boards. I mean that in both the style of artwork and rampant alcoholism.

These are all okay ideas, but really, in this girls case, I almost just want her to go back to whatever public education level it was where they taught you common sense. I can't remember, but I've ditched a lot of classes.

A Fun Fact

Our economy might be garbage in many eyes, but in case you don't have the right sense of scope, I want you to know that the economy in Zimbabwe is way worse.

In December 2008, the annual inflation rate was 6.5 quindecillion novemdecillion percent. Of course, that is under constant change, so maybe give or take a novemdecillion. Those, by the way, are straight up legit numbers. Real talk. But because those numbers don't really mean anything to normal people, that translates into the price of things consistently doubling, every 24 hours.

Before the president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, threw up his hands and said "Pfffffffft well I DUNNO" and just stopped printing them, there were $100-trillion (or 100,000,000,000,000) notes being made. They probably aren't that hard to find, and 100 trillion Zimbabwe dollars equals something like thirty bucks here in America.

GOOD, BUT UNDOUBTEDLY LOGICALLY FLAWED IDEA

1) Get a 100 trillion Zimbabwe dollar note
2) Wait a long time for the economy to stabilize (I'm not sure how long, this could be years, decades, or you may need a successor)
3) Go to Zimbabwe, now being incredibly wealthy
4) Build a fashionable resort by Victoria Falls
5) Call it HOTEL RWAWESOME