Today I drove from my residence over to a potential job site. I do this just to see where the best route is, because it feels like a smart thing to do and I also rarely have anything better to do. I was sitting at a red light and trying to decipher the vanity plate in front of me (FSTNMBL; I guess Fast 'N' Mobile but it was an SUV, so maybe 'Fisting Mabel') when a woman started to walk into traffic from my left, across six lanes, to the other side. She was dragging a hand dolly behind her that looked to have two pristine green boxes and two Dr. Pepper-case-looking boxes on it. The only remarkable clothing on her was her biker/1940's fighter pilot goggles and her knee-high black rubber galoshes, which are both remarkable when you don't need to wear them. She would get mad as people had to suddenly stop to accommodate her, so she was constantly doing the 'jerk-off' hand motion to people. She was probably between 40 and 70, because being either homeless or insane really ages you I think.
HOMELESS OR INSANE? (OR BOTH??) (OR NEITHER???)
Goggles- Insane, it's not worth it to try and prep for a dust storm here and she probably doesn't own a biplane.
Galoshes - Homeless, it's always smart to prepare for the elements when you live outside. It had recently snowed.
Hand Dolly - Homeless, I like to think that the future's hobos will forgo the shopping cart or trash bags in favor of this. It's classy. When I'm a hobo (a future I can't truly eliminate) I will use a hand dolly. All the other hobos will marvel at the sleek form in which I carry my belongings and want to hang out, and then we'll start a band. Or I'll get shanked.
Pristine Boxes - Both, but it really depends on whats in them. I will not guess about it.
Jerk-off Hand Gesture - Neither, I see plenty of people do this and they're usually just stupid or being facetious.
19.2.11
Pay Attention
A wise friend of mine suggested that I get the attention of the legions of stumblers that might potentially visit here by happy accident. He continued by suggesting that I use either fireworks or side-boob to accomplish this. I'm glad that he posted examples, seeing as spend my waking hours daydreaming or trying to spin a pencil between my fingers (I can't) and as such am unable to relate.
Armed with this knowledge, I immediately encountered a roadblock in my delivery. I wasn't sure how to procure the required attention-grabbing image. I couldn't freehand a drawing because fireworks have to be colorful, and there are no colored pencils or markers here because no one in this apartment is nine years old. A greyscale firework drawing is almost indistinguishable from a dandelion, or the scribble that you make when you test old pens. So that was out.
It's also been several years since I owned a copy of Adobe Creative anything, and I wasn't about to scale the ice mountain to my school to use the public computers to try and combine breasts and fireworks. Although in hindsight, I've never seen anyone use the computers responsibly.
THINGS I HAVE WITNESSED PEOPLE DOING ON PUBLIC COMPUTERS IN SCHOOL
1) An adult woman frequenting the Habbo Hotel.
2) An early-twenties man/mannequin ordering teacups.
3) A guy that couldn't be older than nineteen, painstakingly (and painfully, for me) creating Sonic the Hedgehog artwork.
4) A young(?) woman who couldn't be more Asian if she had a katana, looking at a website that was Japanese and that had more colors than a warehouse sized Crayola box. It was like someone vomited the entire Sherwin-Williams catalog onto this site. It made the Fresh Prince look like Steamboat Willy in comparison.
So at the time, I didn't know what to do or where to go. But there was the ever faithful yet totally terrible MS Paint. So, just like intercourse or murder, you work with the materials given.
Oh yeaaaaaaa. Check out that MS Paint quality. And I know it isn't 'side-boob' but when given the choice nobody picks that. This is the material of attention-getting legend. Imagine seeing this on a poster downtown somewhere, in all of it's art-lacking glory. You'd elbow your friend immediately. You'd hardcore elbow your friend.
Armed with this knowledge, I immediately encountered a roadblock in my delivery. I wasn't sure how to procure the required attention-grabbing image. I couldn't freehand a drawing because fireworks have to be colorful, and there are no colored pencils or markers here because no one in this apartment is nine years old. A greyscale firework drawing is almost indistinguishable from a dandelion, or the scribble that you make when you test old pens. So that was out.
It's also been several years since I owned a copy of Adobe Creative anything, and I wasn't about to scale the ice mountain to my school to use the public computers to try and combine breasts and fireworks. Although in hindsight, I've never seen anyone use the computers responsibly.
THINGS I HAVE WITNESSED PEOPLE DOING ON PUBLIC COMPUTERS IN SCHOOL
1) An adult woman frequenting the Habbo Hotel.
2) An early-twenties man/mannequin ordering teacups.
3) A guy that couldn't be older than nineteen, painstakingly (and painfully, for me) creating Sonic the Hedgehog artwork.
4) A young(?) woman who couldn't be more Asian if she had a katana, looking at a website that was Japanese and that had more colors than a warehouse sized Crayola box. It was like someone vomited the entire Sherwin-Williams catalog onto this site. It made the Fresh Prince look like Steamboat Willy in comparison.
So at the time, I didn't know what to do or where to go. But there was the ever faithful yet totally terrible MS Paint. So, just like intercourse or murder, you work with the materials given.
Oh yeaaaaaaa. Check out that MS Paint quality. And I know it isn't 'side-boob' but when given the choice nobody picks that. This is the material of attention-getting legend. Imagine seeing this on a poster downtown somewhere, in all of it's art-lacking glory. You'd elbow your friend immediately. You'd hardcore elbow your friend.
17.2.11
Snow is miserable
If someone asked what I would want the weather to be like I would never answer with "shitting snow everywhere" and you wouldn't either. There are only a few things that are more miserable than it starting to snow when you're at school and you don't have the necessary materials to rug up and trudge through the mud to your car.
One thing that's more miserable is driving in the snow. I'm not nervous about it or bad at it. It's the other two types of people that make it awful. They are
1) The individuals that are either so nervous or safety-conscious that they drive thirty miles under the speed limit but still won't let you in their lane, and
2) The individuals that think that 4WD somehow translates to 'Magic Carpet' and rock their Ford F-1,050 through everyone so fast you'd think there was some UFC/ICP/WWE free t-shirt giveaway on the other side of town. Their bullshit makes all the type 1's even more skittish and scared, effectively making the middleman (me) take an extra hour to really get anywhere in a small town where fifteen minutes is the max.
It would also be miserable to be pantsed by a bear.
Things that I learn between late night and early morning
There is a magical couple of hours, usually starting at 10:00 PM and concluding around 3:00 AM, where I learn some important things. They may be insight to myself or observations, but I seem to accrue at least a few every week. I recently wondered where I would be in life if I wasn't armed with this knowledge, but it seems like I'd still be right where I was so I dismissed the thought and went back to eating sweet onion chips and looking out the window.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED DURING THESE WONDROUS HOURS
If something is thrown at me, I will do one of two things. If the object is not food, I will do a full-body wince in a feeble attempt for a 6'3" man to make himself smaller. If the object is food, I will catch it with dexterity usually reserved for cats and whatever the plural for 'mongoose' is. Mongooses.
Some people will want to fight you no matter how little you've said to anyone, or how recently you've arrived where you are. These people are in every town everywhere, in varying numbers, and there are rules that make it so you can't hit them with your car. It is wise to invest in an equally belligerent friend for these situations.
It is impossible to eat a quarter-pound ham/cheeseburger in less than two bites.
If someone notices you looking at a tattoo of theirs, and they launch into an explanation or a justification of their tattoo because they know it's garbage, if you say anything that isn't a big smiley face (: D) of a statement they will get mad at you. This may or may not lead into Thing Number Two.
Just because your friend is colorblind does not mean he cannot argue the color of something.
One of the best games to play is 'Your Team'. This game is great, especially for people-watchers like myself. What you do is, you find people who either look really awesome and call out 'My team', or you find people that look crazy awful, and put them on other peoples team. There's no score, but you do get props for clever ways of going about it, ex: "Wow Aaron, you must have a team meeting over there."
the last one really focuses on those magic hours. I mean, you can play it whenever but the best games take place then.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED DURING THESE WONDROUS HOURS
If something is thrown at me, I will do one of two things. If the object is not food, I will do a full-body wince in a feeble attempt for a 6'3" man to make himself smaller. If the object is food, I will catch it with dexterity usually reserved for cats and whatever the plural for 'mongoose' is. Mongooses.
Some people will want to fight you no matter how little you've said to anyone, or how recently you've arrived where you are. These people are in every town everywhere, in varying numbers, and there are rules that make it so you can't hit them with your car. It is wise to invest in an equally belligerent friend for these situations.
It is impossible to eat a quarter-pound ham/cheeseburger in less than two bites.
If someone notices you looking at a tattoo of theirs, and they launch into an explanation or a justification of their tattoo because they know it's garbage, if you say anything that isn't a big smiley face (: D) of a statement they will get mad at you. This may or may not lead into Thing Number Two.
Just because your friend is colorblind does not mean he cannot argue the color of something.
One of the best games to play is 'Your Team'. This game is great, especially for people-watchers like myself. What you do is, you find people who either look really awesome and call out 'My team', or you find people that look crazy awful, and put them on other peoples team. There's no score, but you do get props for clever ways of going about it, ex: "Wow Aaron, you must have a team meeting over there."
the last one really focuses on those magic hours. I mean, you can play it whenever but the best games take place then.
16.2.11
Number One
George Shearing passed away this week, lowering the amount of blind badass musicians to a drastically low number that I don't actually know. If I were a musician I would just wear big black sunglasses and get someone to assist me everywhere and see if anyone assumed. First I'd have to develop the ambition to be a musician as opposed to a music appreciator. At any rate, go listen to him and enjoy some nice jazz for about three minutes.
The weather here is currently ridiculous. I was able to watch it go from zero to bullshit in about five minutes. I've been told that the idea of bad weather being inextricably linked to me vocalizing a desire for Vietnamese food is rubbish but the evidence has really come through today. I don't remember how to check my room(s) for wiretaps and other spy material but I'm considering learning, if I can read it quickly.
Naturally, once the idea of Vietnamese food was tossed and replaced with generic pizza from a closer grocery superstore the snow quietly abated. I toddled around the store and marveled at other people as I waited for my pizza to be fabricated by a man named 'Conor' who spoke as if he was pushing words out of a tube of toothpaste. I will include one example below. Don't raise your voice higher if you decide to say it yourself. Keep a low tone.
How're you doing? = Heeyrr doounn (Hee-yerrr Doo-un)
I assume he talks to people regularly like that, unless something about me looked primitive, which is possible because I have a beard and today was 'Indoors Day'. As I drove home I thought about other things which would be great to say in that kind of voice. I decided on 'Reading the Great Gatsby' but really anything wordy and intellectual would be funny. Apparently Conor descends from Conchobar, a far cooler name. Conor just looks misspelled. Conchobar sounds like it either comes with a claymore or maracas.
The weather here is currently ridiculous. I was able to watch it go from zero to bullshit in about five minutes. I've been told that the idea of bad weather being inextricably linked to me vocalizing a desire for Vietnamese food is rubbish but the evidence has really come through today. I don't remember how to check my room(s) for wiretaps and other spy material but I'm considering learning, if I can read it quickly.
Naturally, once the idea of Vietnamese food was tossed and replaced with generic pizza from a closer grocery superstore the snow quietly abated. I toddled around the store and marveled at other people as I waited for my pizza to be fabricated by a man named 'Conor' who spoke as if he was pushing words out of a tube of toothpaste. I will include one example below. Don't raise your voice higher if you decide to say it yourself. Keep a low tone.
How're you doing? = Heeyrr doounn (Hee-yerrr Doo-un)
I assume he talks to people regularly like that, unless something about me looked primitive, which is possible because I have a beard and today was 'Indoors Day'. As I drove home I thought about other things which would be great to say in that kind of voice. I decided on 'Reading the Great Gatsby' but really anything wordy and intellectual would be funny. Apparently Conor descends from Conchobar, a far cooler name. Conor just looks misspelled. Conchobar sounds like it either comes with a claymore or maracas.
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